The events of last year left a mark.
I fear going low. My blood sugar was 215 an hour or two ago – perhaps three. Now it is 132, which seems great. I assure you, it isn’t!
I have noticed this before…my blood sugar dropping elicits fear. I do not want last year to repeat itself. I don’t want to go low every fucking day all summer! That is no way to live on earth. It is befitting of hell…
I fear that I will get burned out again, just like last year. I fear that I will have to repeat the difficult process of overcoming diabetes burnout. I fear this… I fear that… I am anxious.
I dread…Dread…DREAD summer.
Lows elicit anxiety. The thought of lows elicits anxiety.
Although I don’t enjoy this inescapable vulnerability, I, in a sense, accept it. I accept that this is how I feel. I am not – not right now at least – running from myself. It is what it is, even if what is sucks.
It is one thing to feel this way, quite another to let it master you.
Do you know why diabetes sucks? It can make you feel helpless. You feel like a child. Vulnerable. At the mercy of chance. Awful. Weak. Unraveled.
Writing this post has been cathartic. Hopefully, in the long term, it will help assuage some of my diabetes related fears.
I can feel this way… I can admit to feeling this way… But I need to, for my own well being, remember to keep soldiering on.