How do I define success? By which standards do I judge my actions? I’m vexed.
Until recently, I wholeheartedly believed that I had overcome my perfectionistic tendencies. All too often, self-perception is self-deception.
For four long years I struggled valiantly to rid myself of perfectionism. Did I struggle in vain?
For four long years I struggled vainly to rid myself of perfectionism. Did my unskillful approach sabotage my valiant efforts?
My thought’s are a series of questions and question marks… Uncertainty abounds… Shards of glass encircle me.
Despite all of this, I feel at home. Peace. Serenity. Freedom. These three are my closest confidants.
Despite all of this, I don’t feel lost. Shock. Anxiety. Paralysis. These three know nothing of me.
Creative destruction. A certain self-perception has been destroyed. In its place, a blank piece of paper has appeared. Creativity can now blossom.
I thought I had overcome perfectionism. I had overcome perfectionism in the realm of thought alone, and my judgement was clouded.
My thinking was wishful, but clarity’s been restored.
While pondering a post that I’d written recently, I realized that my perfectionism had merely changed forms.
By objective standards, the lapse in adequate diabetes management that I wrote about in the aforementioned post was insignificant. The problem was subjective. It was due to my interpretation of events, and my projections of the future.
I interpreted this incident as being problematic because it disrupted the story I told myself about my recovery from diabetes burnout. It shattered the myth of a perfect recovery.
In my myth, I was perfectly strong and, therefore, able to effortlessly overcome any obstacle. I didn’t expect myself to stumble so early in the story. When I did stumble, frustration struck me.
I’m grateful for how things transpired…
Going forward, I need to be more realistic. I need to make a less inflated estimation of my own strength. I need to account for setbacks… I still need to reconcile with my fallibility.
Creative destruction. An old story has been destroyed. In its place, I can create a new, more realistic one.
t1dme 
Hey!
I really identify with this blog post. It’s a tough road that leads to realistic and realigned perceptions. Perfectionism has its advantages but much of the time, it can be a curse!
Thanks for the read! Made me think!
Very well said: “It’s a tough road that leads to realistic and realigned perceptions.”
When I was first diagnosed with T1D at 21, I completely took the attitude of “I must control it 100%, I must be perfect in what I eat and how much insulin I take, and I must always have excellent blood sugars.” Anytime I didn’t fit that model, I felt I had failed and I was killing myself. The stress of THAT caused diabetes burnout, and pretty quickly. Fast forward a few years, getting a pump & CGM, recognizing that sometimes diabetes can just be “beyond my control” and it’s not my fault…my blood sugars and A1c are better than they have ever been, and I am also MUCH happier than I was in those first few control-freakish years. You have to find the happy medium place of caring for yourself the best you can, and not beating yourself up about any self-inflicted “failures.”
How did I only learn about this blog now?
this is beautifully written.
Thanks!
I’m still new to the diabetes blogosphere, so I’m not a well known diabetes blogger. I’m glad that you’ve discovered me 🙂