How do I define success? By which standards do I judge my actions? I’m vexed.
Until recently, I wholeheartedly believed that I had overcome my perfectionistic tendencies. All too often, self-perception is self-deception.
For four long years I struggled valiantly to rid myself of perfectionism. Did I struggle in vain?
For four long years I struggled vainly to rid myself of perfectionism. Did my unskillful approach sabotage my valiant efforts?
My thought’s are a series of questions and question marks… Uncertainty abounds… Shards of glass encircle me.
Despite all of this, I feel at home. Peace. Serenity. Freedom. These three are my closest confidants.
Despite all of this, I don’t feel lost. Shock. Anxiety. Paralysis. These three know nothing of me.
Creative destruction. A certain self-perception has been destroyed. In its place, a blank piece of paper has appeared. Creativity can now blossom.
I thought I had overcome perfectionism. I had overcome perfectionism in the realm of thought alone, and my judgement was clouded.
My thinking was wishful, but clarity’s been restored.
While pondering a post that I’d written recently, I realized that my perfectionism had merely changed forms.
By objective standards, the lapse in adequate diabetes management that I wrote about in the aforementioned post was insignificant. The problem was subjective. It was due to my interpretation of events, and my projections of the future.
I interpreted this incident as being problematic because it disrupted the story I told myself about my recovery from diabetes burnout. It shattered the myth of a perfect recovery.
In my myth, I was perfectly strong and, therefore, able to effortlessly overcome any obstacle. I didn’t expect myself to stumble so early in the story. When I did stumble, frustration struck me.
I’m grateful for how things transpired…
Going forward, I need to be more realistic. I need to make a less inflated estimation of my own strength. I need to account for setbacks… I still need to reconcile with my fallibility.
Creative destruction. An old story has been destroyed. In its place, I can create a new, more realistic one.