All is not yet lost!

Here I lay in need of a site change
Yelled at by a growing naseau yet
Pulled away by fear of failure
Everything feels doomed
Repudiating these thoughts seems
Gratuitous at best!
Life beckons me onwards though
Yearnfull for better things I am;
Conflicted by aimless forces
Everything seems vague though
Morn still sits upon the horizon
I will arise again
All is not yet lost!

March Madness

This is just a brief update.

In March I hit a low point.

My panic disorder, social anxiety, and other mental health issues were getting to be too much to bare – so I reached out to my doctor.

I was reffered to a psych.

A couple weeks later I saw her and was put on the anti-depressant Escitalopram. I was also given Lorazepam – a benzo. Re-entering therapy was also discussed.

I still have my issues.

With that said…

Psychiatric meds can definitely be a life saver

Celebrating the little things

Diabetes challenges us in varying ways. In how we deal with such challenges we differ.

Although celebrating the little victories helps many, doing so is not universally beneficial.

I have tried celebrating my little victories, and have had mixed results. As a result, I motivate myself in other ways.

Do what works for you
Respect what works for others

#DBlogWeek – Picture day!

Sisyphus: livin’ the D life before it was mainstream

The painting is by Titian

Twitter Tuesday announcement

Is a caption really necessary?

Diabetes Life Hacks – #DBlogWeek

Know what amuses me? Of all the DBlogWeek prompts, this one is the most challenging! We have discussed changing the world, mental health, our personal mantras. I have written about these with ease, only to have this ease obstructed by a pebble. It’s absurd! I love absurdities! For this I am grateful…

Confession: I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a “neat diabetes tricks” kind of guy.

If your pump clip breaks, put it in your pocket. That’s my most marvelous trick. Call me Mozart! My creativity knows no bounds, and I am prolific in my output.

In all honesty, I am the Justin Bieber of diabetes tricks…

Does that analogy work?

Nah… I don’t share my “neat” tricks, so I can’t be hated for doing so.

In all seriousness, seriousness has been lacking in my tone thus far. Really though… in all seriousness, that last sentence was stating the obvious.

Mantras and Reminders – #DBlogWeek

I planned on creating a collage of quotes to express my mantras. Sometimes plans change.

Re-viewing my recent posts, I observed a budding fear of hypoglycemia. I am no stranger to this. I once let this fear fatigue me.

Moving forward, I am not willing to allow the past to repeat. Therefore, I have tailored my plan.

Without further ado, here are some of my mantras in my words:

• Change is the law of life. The lows won’t last forever;
• That is how I feel, this is how I act;
• I may stumble, but I won’t fall;
• Perseverance is perfection;
• I won’t flee from my reflection;
• A dark sense of humor is a diabetics best friend;
• I am alive. I have emotions. I accept them;
• This Is Sisyphus!

I will repeat these throughout the upcoming months. They have assisted me; may they assist me again!

What you do is up to you; the doc is here to help.

Speaking of diabetes and mental health…

The events of last year left a mark.

I fear going low. My blood sugar was 215 an hour or two ago – perhaps three. Now it is 132, which seems great. I assure you, it isn’t!

I have noticed this before…my blood sugar dropping elicits fear. I do not want last year to repeat itself. I don’t want to go low every fucking day all summer! That is no way to live on earth. It is befitting of hell…

I fear that I will get burned out again, just like last year. I fear that I will have to repeat the difficult process of overcoming diabetes burnout. I fear this… I fear that… I am anxious.

I dread…Dread…DREAD summer.

Lows elicit anxiety. The thought of lows elicits anxiety.

Although I don’t enjoy this inescapable vulnerability, I, in a sense, accept it. I accept that this is how I feel. I am not – not right now at least – running from myself. It is what it is,  even if what is sucks.

It is one thing to feel this way, quite another to let it master you.

Do you know why diabetes sucks? It can make you feel helpless. You feel like a child. Vulnerable. At the mercy of chance. Awful. Weak. Unraveled.

Writing this post has been cathartic. Hopefully, in the long term, it will help assuage some of my diabetes related fears.

I can feel this way… I can admit to feeling this way… But I need to, for my own well being, remember to keep soldiering on.

#DBlogWeek – A novel approach to discussing mental health

Diabetes and mental health – more specifically the connection between the two – fascinates me. I am excited. I am also concerned. Will I be able to have a narrow focus? Will I ramble on? Heck…will this post even make sense?!

The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor.
~ Albert Camus

We all have rocks to roll. Blood glucose levels are one of mine.

By unfamiliar forces condemned, I roll this rock up the hill of perfection, only to fail…repeatedly.

Now I stand face to face with my own humanity.

Smacked by the futility of the task, consciousness of my predicament arises. Responsibility drops on my shoulders. The moment of decision has arrived.

A book of options is presented. I am free to look it over, free to choose.

Human agency makes its entrance.

My reaction is not predestined.

Inclined towards my habits, the familiar option is chosen. All others are ignored.

For one reason among many, with a spirit of adventure I’m filled, and I decide to forsake my habits. I choose a novel option.

Both of these paths I have traversed.

Which course will I follow?

————

Implicit herein lies most of the mental health difficulties I have faced whilst living with diabetes for the last 12 years.

I hope that some beams of light shine through as well.

————

In the past, I have described in greater specificity some of the psychological challenges that I have faced. In the future I will likely divulge more.

A broad approach for a broad topic. That is the approach I have taken here.

————

Update: I experienced diabetes-related anxiety after publishing this post, which you can read about here:
https://t1dme.wordpress.com/2014/05/14/speaking-of-diabetes-and-mental-health/

A diabetes poem – #DBlogWeek

Eyes weighed down like lead
I lower my head.
Memory kicks in,
And I remember:
I have the D.
Nothing’s so simple.

#DBlogWeek – If I could change the world…

Warning: This post is going to be hyperbolic at times.

Jean Paul-Sartre once said “hell is other people.” People with diabetes know this all too well. The tragedy of the situation is that it does not have to be that way.

Other people cause us hell when health insurance representatives try to make it difficult for us to receive medical technology that will improve our standards of living.

It does not have to be that way.

Other people cause us hell when when they decide to charge us 5-star prices for fast food quality test strips.

It does not have to be that way.

Other people cause us hell when they cast judgement upon us, sniping our self-esteem.

It does not have to be that way.

Other people cause the impatient among us hell when they play dumb after we have explained diabetes to them countless times.

It does not have to be that way.

Other people cause us hell when they trivialize or exaggerate diabetes.

It does not have to be that way.

Other people cause us hell when they act coldly…robotic…inhuman when we mention the unfair portion of BS that has been allotted to us.

It does not have to be that way.

Other people cause us hell by doing this… Other people cause us hell by doing that… Other people unnecessarily cause us hell in numerous ways. That is the underlying issue that I care most about.

This is unacceptable! This is inexcusable! This must stop!

As people with diabetes, we have enough to deal with as it is. I accept that. What I can’t accept is other people making things artificially difficult. Thankfully, things are changing.

Other people’s actions, occasionally, throw us into a pit. The actions of those in the Diabetes Online Community protect us from the pit, and pull those within out of it.

Our actions are our hope!

Savoring the present moment

Being hot and uncomfortable, yesterday’s post had a negative tinge. I had something to get off my chest. Today, however, is a new day.

Spring is a wonderful time of year. Mother Nature reincarnates right before our eyes. Yesterday, the fear of lows – which is due to my experiences last year – blinded me to this. Having written yesterday’s post, I can see nature anew.

I have to live in the present, and savor it. I should rejoice in the good things that are presently occurring. Why worry about what is to come? Why worry about low blood sugar? Why? Is there a point? What is the benefit?

I am not currently dealing with hypoglycemia. Diabetes is behaving. These moments are rare. These moments are enjoyable. I should savor them while they last.

Complaining about diabetes is okay. In fact, it can be beneficial. With that said, why complain when nothing is going wrong? Doing so can only cause harm. It can only make me miserable. It can only make me feel worse – unnecessarily. These are not my preferences.

There is a time and a place for everything.

I would do good to remember this. So would we all.